


Heartless

by blackrock_soldier



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 04:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3276137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackrock_soldier/pseuds/blackrock_soldier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wanted to forget like you. I wanted it to mean absolutely nothing to me like you, but as you lost your heart, mine kept beating. Kept reminding me that you once lived within it... that you still do."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartless

I wanted to forget like you. I wanted it to mean absolutely nothing to me like you, but as you lost your heart, mine kept beating. Kept reminding me that you once lived within it... that you still do.

No matter what I wanted or what I wished before my eyes closed that day, you followed me without even knowing. Like an imprint on my mind, you appeared there along with everything we had together. Deep down, it sickened me, but on the surface I wore a smile. I held your hand. Without your presence, that world would have been empty.

And yet...I couldn’t be happy that way. I wanted it to be empty and I knew the truth. You were not real. You were nothing but a lie. A lie that I created while trying to destroy myself. 

It was all so blurred to me. I wanted to feel nothing, and yet, I could feel it all. You brought everything back, and the longer we sat at the top of that old factory, the urge to scream out the truth kept rising. We were back in the old world because you brought that back too, but really, it was I who was dreaming. 

My own heart was so confusing. I swore to myself that what I wanted was to be alone, but with you sitting next to me, it was becoming painfully obvious that you were always what I wanted. Nothing had changed between reality and fantasy. I still loved you so, so much. I still wanted more than anything else to... remember you... even if you completely forgot me...

That feeling made me absolutely sick to my stomach. 

I saw firsthand the look on your face as we said goodbye. There was no warmth. No sadness. Absolutely nothing. For so long, you had been so... apathetic. It’s like you went somewhere else, and yet, I knew you’d still be in the lab, doing something you knew you shouldn’t be doing.

I wanted you to stop. I wanted you to wake up. You had a heart once, you know? It’s something you should have held onto. It keeps you alive. It keeps you from causing others pain. You’d feel remorse for the things you’ve done. You’d see what I see... feel what I feel. Be you again.

But you’ve thrown it away, and I don’t know where you’ve hidden it. I used to think that maybe if I ripped mine in two that you could somehow be saved. For a time, I could almost delude myself into believing it. The light seemed to return to those dead eyes of yours and we laughed together like we used to. Holding my breath to keep that feeling alive, I could almost make it last forever.

But with you, there’s no such thing as forever.

It started again. The light fell away. And even though you couldn’t use it and didn’t even need it, you never returned that half of my heart. Much worse, you decided my worth for me. I’ve always cared about you more than me. Always. I value your life over mine. Living forever never mattered to me. I just never wanted to outlive you. 

“The price for immortality is death”? Bullshit. I never wanted it. I just wanted you, but because you told me... because you demanded it of me, I chose it. And maybe in the end, I decided I needed to let go half heartedly. To at least try... but it seems there’s no such thing as letting go for me. I’m just not like you. I can’t throw away my heart. I won’t.

Even in the very end, all alone in my own head, I still refuse to be heartless, but I also refuse to remember you as the heartless person you became. We had so much more before that. It was a better world and a better time. We were heroes... we managed to build a huge factory together, and most importantly... we were friends. Best friends. All we needed was each other then, and even after more friends came and gone, we never lost that bond. It stayed so strong for so long. I will not forget that. 

If you want me to live in such a way, I will. It’s unfair to me, I admit, but out there, you’ve died. I’ve given up on the you that destroys and falls apart. I’ve given up on the me who desperately tries to tear myself apart to keep you together. I still adore you, though. I can’t deny that as I sit here holding the illusion of you in my arms. I won’t pretend that you don’t exist. I couldn’t. 

I’m still hoping someday that you will recover your heart. I won’t be there. Even if I was, I wouldn’t force it anymore. Honestly, I've given up trying. You’ve gotten too much of me already. If you ever wake up, you know where to find me. I’d like to wake up someday too.


End file.
